Stuck in here Somewhere

2011-05-29T07:41:00.001-07:00

Tuesday I had a new program installed. No, not on my computer, in my body. I have been contemplating this decision for a few years really. Any one who has struggled with their weight probably considers weight loss surgery at some point or another.

I kept telling myself, when I was sick of being fat , I would do something about it. So I would lose 20-30 pounds and then gain it back. I went to my doctor asking for his help, asking what he thought of the lap band procedure. He told me it was a cop out and said I just needed to go to weight watcher like his wife did. Well thanks.. wish I had thought of that before.. oh wait, I had done weight watchers.. several times.

I studied the procedure for a LONG time. Read everything, the good , the bad and the ugly. For thoes of you who don't know, the lap band is a small ring that is put around the top part of the stomach making it very difficult to over eat, but its real purpose is to help to feel full longer and ultimatly to eat less and loes weight. It is not a cop out. It is still hard work. I will still need to choose my food wisely. Since I can only consume small amount of food, I have to pick the foods that have the most nutrition. I still have to exercise. It is no magic bullet. It takes a lot of courage.

I am a few days post op. I made it through about 3 weeks of nothing but liquids to prepare for the surgery. I am sore, but recovering well I think. Today was the first day I got to eat mushie foods. I prepared myself 1/2 cup of cottage cheese with a tablespoon of applesauce. I couldn't finish it, but it was great to actually eat something again.

I have not told very many people what I have done, until now. But I have been so inspired by other peoples blogs about their weight loss journey that I thought I would see if I could summons the guts to post my journey and share what I am learning with others.

I have had a few people tell me I was crazy, a few people tell me I wasn't big enough to consider weight loss surgery ( which is a whole other blog post in itself! ) But for the most part, the people closest to me have been very supportive. Especially my hubby who has picked up the slack for me while I haven't wanted to be in the kitchen as much. He is adopting many of the same eating habits I will be for his own health. He has always loved me no matter what the scale said but he is also my biggest cheerleader because he has seen how much I have struggled and knows how much I wanted to try this. I don't want to let him down.

So, here I go.. wish me luck!!

Time OUT

2011-04-01T13:11:00.001-07:00

I just got home from a wonderful, albeit brief trip with my husband to Branson.
I didn't want to stay in just any place, so I hunted around until I found a lodge called White Lake Lodge. It is owned by a very nice couple. He has a fishing business where he takes people on trout fishing trips and she is a lovely retired 1st grade school teacher. The place is tucked back into the woods a bit, about 20 minutes outside Branson.
Our room was cozy and comfortable and romantic I think. We had a great view off the deck in the back overlooking Tablerock Lake.
Thursday morning I woke up to sun shining through the window and got up to grab my camera. I was sure it was going to be spactular. We looked through the widow and were suprised to find it was still mostly overcast and gray and foggy, but there was one little spot where the sun was shinning through the clouds and right through only our window.. at least that how it seemed to me. Here are a few shots I took. It really was beautiful. It was still and quiet and all you could hear were the birds and small critters rustling about.
I didn't get too many more pictures of our trip, but these were the ones that will remind me of my short but sweet little trip. I would like to go back again soon.. it was peace to my soul. I think we all need to take time out trips like that. We didn't go very far, it wasn't super fancy, but it was just enough to recharge, reconnect and miss my kids. I think we will plan another short trip like this in 6 months.

OH.. and least I should forget, on the way home we also stopped at Lamberts.. home of the THROWED ROLLS.. this is the place where they serve the most delicious rolls.. but only by air.. you have to catch them. While you are eating or waiting for your food, they come along with big bowls of fried potatoes or okra or some other ridiculously yummy naughty thing. Then you get your plate of food which was huge and perfect comfort food. My husband ordered their sweet potatoes that were heavenly. I am on a mission to find the recipe. The sweet waitress said they use cinnamon oil in them.. I am telling you, those potatoes WERE desert. So delicious.
I found a blog with a recipe for rolls that are as yummy as Lamberts.. Here is the link incase you would like to try them. And if anyone out there knows how to make those sweet potatoes.. I am BEGGING you.. please teach me!!

http://dineanddish.net/2010/03/mythical-balance-recipe-just-like-lamberts-throwed-rolls/comment-page-1/#comment-68441

If I actually get another blog done this week.. I am going to officially say I am blogging again.. I have a few more pillow case dresses to finish and then I will post picture. They turned out cute and were really easy!!
Till then!!

Here we go again!

2011-03-11T14:11:00.000-08:00

I felt really embarrassed today when I told a friend I had a blog but realized it had been a year since I wrote anything! Then I realized WOW.. a whole year has gone by! I remember writing what I did.. and I remembered the personal struggles I was having and I am happy to report that I did make it through all those crazy things! I did find myself spiritually stronger, less judgmental and more grateful!

After enjoying a few blogs of other friends I had that same old pang of regret for not writing. It is good for the soul! It is good to kinda get things out there sometimes. After reading a few things this week I am so surprised to see just how much alike we all are. Us women in particular. Of the blogs I have read recently, the women were younger than me, way older than me, richer than me, brought up better than me, had more or less children than me, lived in nicer houses or not as comfortably as I do, had way different talents than me, were better or worse house keepers than me.. my point..and yes I do have one, is that no matter who we are, we all seem to have so many of the same struggles, hope, and desires regardless of where we came from.

So.. I feel inspired now.. I know, I know.. I have said it before.. but I really do want to keep up my blog better. Not for other people so much as for me. It is good to look back and see how I made it through things that seemed so hard. I am getting ready to go through new struggles. I found out this week that I am diabetic. It was not a complete suprise, but it was still kind of a shock to hear the doctor say the words. I am sure it will be a journey that will be a learning experience for me. I am not even sure what to say about it at this point.. but I have decided blogging about it will help me keep things in perspective..that is what I hope anyway!!

Gotta run for now. Need find some sugar free chocolate deserts!!

Thats gonna leave a mark

2010-02-27T08:11:00.000-08:00

Ok, so I didn't do so hot with the once a week blog.. how about once a month!?

I can always tell when I am in a downside of a depression because all the sudden have nothing to say. And anyone who knows me, knows I RARELY ever have nothing to say! I have struggled with depression off and on for a few years. Frankly, I think it is all hormonal but what ever it is, sometimes it is dark and dreary.
I went through a change these last few weeks. I had to figure out a new way to do things to fill a void that was created by the change that had to be made. I don't mean to be so cryptic, but it truly is a very personal thing. The THING doesn't matter so much as the lessons it is teaching, so there is no real need to air the details of my personal laundry..

I remembered a talk that I heard at least a year ago.. maybe more. A talk by a church leader that really struck a cord with me and I knew inside, that it was one of the things that had been missing in me for a while. I am going to share part of it here and hope that you will read the rest on your own sometime and see if it dosen't ring true for you also. Here is the link and a portion of the talk. http://www.lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?hideNav=1&locale=0& sourceId=15674bb52a73d110VgnVCM100000176f620a____&vgnextoid=2354fccf2b7db010VgnVCM1000004d82620aRCRD

"The desire to create is one of the deepest yearnings of the human soul. No matter our talents, education, backgrounds, or abilities, we each have an inherent wish to create something that did not exist before.

Everyone can create. You don’t need money, position, or influence in order to create something of substance or beauty.

Creation brings deep satisfaction and fulfillment. We develop ourselves and others when we take unorganized matter into our hands and mold it into something of beauty—and I am not talking about the process of cleaning the rooms of your teenage children.

You might say, “I’m not the creative type. When I sing, I’m always half a tone above or below the note. I cannot draw a line without a ruler. And the only practical use for my homemade bread is as a paperweight or as a doorstop.”

If that is how you feel, think again, and remember that you are spirit daughters of the most creative Being in the universe. Isn’t it remarkable to think that your very spirits are fashioned by an endlessly creative and eternally compassionate God? Think about it—your spirit body is a masterpiece, created with a beauty, function, and capacity beyond imagination.

But to what end were we created? We were created with the express purpose and potential of experiencing a fulness of joy.4 Our birthright—and the purpose of our great voyage on this earth—is to seek and experience eternal happiness. One of the ways we find this is by creating things.

If you are a mother, you participate with God in His work of creation—not only by providing physical bodies for your children but also by teaching and nurturing them. If you are not a mother now, the creative talents you develop will prepare you for that day, in this life or the next.

You may think you don’t have talents, but that is a false assumption, for we all have talents and gifts, every one of us.5 The bounds of creativity extend far beyond the limits of a canvas or a sheet of paper and do not require a brush, a pen, or the keys of a piano. Creation means bringing into existence something that did not exist before—colorful gardens, harmonious homes, family memories, flowing laughter.

What you create doesn’t have to be perfect. So what if the eggs are greasy or the toast is burned? Don’t let fear of failure discourage you. Don’t let the voice of critics paralyze you—whether that voice comes from the outside or the inside.

If you still feel incapable of creating, start small. Try to see how many smiles you can create, write a letter of appreciation, learn a new skill, identify a space and beautify it.

Nearly a century and a half ago, President Brigham Young spoke to the Saints of his day. “There is a great work for the Saints to do,” he said. “Progress, and improve upon and make beautiful everything around you. Cultivate the earth, and cultivate your minds. Build cities, adorn your habitations, make gardens, orchards, and vineyards, and render the earth so pleasant that when you look upon your labors you may do so with pleasure, and that angels may delight to come and visit your beautiful locations. In the mean time continually seek to adorn your minds with all the graces of the Spirit of Christ.”6

The more you trust and rely upon the Spirit, the greater your capacity to create. That is your opportunity in this life and your destiny in the life to come. Sisters, trust and rely on the Spirit. As you take the normal opportunities of your daily life and create something of beauty and helpfulness, you improve not only the world around you but also the world within you."

I can't tell you how much of a difference just THINKING about making something did for me. I have known this principle for many years. I remember sitting at my desk at work just WISHING I had something more creative to do, so while I was taking calls or on a break, I would turn my desk supplies into different creatures. My favorite was the stapler that I turned into an alligator. I thought it was brilliant. Whatever it was, it made me feel better for that moment to have done something creative.

Over the past few weeks, I have made a scarf for my daughter, learned a few new crochet skills, make homemade lip balm, and tried some new recipes. Though I still recognize I feel depressed.. the weight of that depression lifted considerably. I think my husband recognizes this too because he has not said a single word about all the yarn I have brought home. He even drove me to the health food store to get all my lip balm supplies which were neither free nor on sale..:) He is so good to me. I do not deserve such a man, but since I got him, I plan to keep him.( He will not be able to ever leave me because I have the softest lips ever made by the lip balm he encouraged me to create)

I feel certain that the things I make will never make mark on the world, but for sure, they leave a mark on me. A mark that tells me I can learn to fulfill the measure of my creation. I have a purpose. I may not always understand what it is, but at least when I am trying to create something beautiful around me, I am getting closer to learning what it is.

Yep..
I am thinking once a month may be enough for everyone!!

2010-01-31T07:30:00.000-08:00

Look, I am doing it.. this is my second blog in a few weeks!
I had a major personal struggle this week, you know, the kind you just have to move through on your own because it is either too personal, too embarrassing, too something to share with anyone else. Well, that was me this week.. and it is not done yet, but maybe the hard part is over.. maybe.
But the fact of the matter is I have no one to blame but myself. I caused my own pain. I knew better, I completely knew better, but I did things anyway that in the end would do nothing but cause myself and maybe others I cared about pain.
But what amazes me even more is even when I am stupid and thoughtless and selfish, God still allows me to use those things to learn and grow and be a better person. Nothing we do is ever for nothing. Mistakes are even for something.. What a concept!
What I have learned this week is we judge each other way too much. We have no idea what choices we will make in a given situation, we would like to think we would, but we just don't know when and where a weakness may rear its head in our lives. Learn from our errors and allow others to learn from theirs too without being so harsh and critical.
I am still in a stuggle.. I think I will be for a while. I think I will make it through, I always have before. I am just reminded of a story someone told a while ago.. I probably won't tell it quiet right but it was about a man and God. God gave the man a giant rock and told him to push it every day. So the man did, but the rock was so big, no matter how much he pushed the rock would never move. So the man became frustrated and wanted to quit. God explained to the man he never asked him to MOVE the rock, just to push it. It was in the act of pushing against the giant rock that the man became stronger and then together with GOD, he could move his rock.
I was right, I didn't tell it the way I hear it in my head.. but still, I hope as I PUSH my rock, my spiritual muscles will grow. I am never left to move the rock on my own, I know that, I have always known that.. but I guess I got frustrated, and wanted to give up.
Good luck with YOUR rocks this week!

I wish I knew...

2008-09-29T20:03:00.000-07:00

Just so you know.. I wrote this in 2008 and never published it. It made me laugh, so I am publishing it now.. but here is the really sad thing, all the stuff I said I figured out back then.. I can't remember to do now.. So I wish I knew how to do it again...I have committed myself to keeping a blog again.. but this time, I going to tell everyone I am doing it, so people might ask me why I haven't blogged in a while. Maybe that will help me get it done. I have this urge to try and go back and catch up.. But I think I will just start from here and try and keep up.
I have plenty I need to VENT about and writing is so therapeutic for me....so I am gonna give it a try.

I hope you have a while, cause this could take some time if I get on a roll.
Really what I wish I knew right now is more blogging tricks. I cannot even figure out how to sign my name in some cool, fancy way. I did figure out how to pick some pretty paper, I know that's a start!
Somehow, I ended up posting a blog here that was supposed to go to another blog?? I just left it because I have no idea how to put a link into the other blog? How do people know all these things, I am in awe!!
I also wish I knew how to make more time in my day to read all the cool blogs out there that others seem to follow! There are so many people who have a talent for writing things that are fun and interesting to read! I love reading things that make me laugh and I can relate to. Maybe if someone blogged my scriptures I would get them read better, cause I can waste some time on this here computer reading about everything everyone else is doing and getting nothing done in the process!
I wish I knew how to see myself better. I went to the RS broadcast the other night. I must have looked particularly nice that evening because everyone was commenting on how nice I looked. But let me explain to you how I got ready to go that evening.
I decided since it wasn't so humid, I would try and wear my hair straight ( I have NOT straight hair) Well, it didn't work so I tried to just let it be how it was going to be cause I was running out of time. So it was kinda straight in some places, curly in some and, well.... I was not feeling so pretty at that point.
THEN I had to get dressed. I had already decided on a black skirt, hose and shoes. I was feeling completely fat, so I thought that was the safest. It took me forever deciding on a top. I had one that was pretty, great colors and comfy, but it had a high waist and a tie so I figured everyone would be asking everyone else if I was pregnant or just come out and ask me... and I wasn't in the mood. I didn't feel like smacking someone would contribute to the feeling of sisterhood at the meeting. So I tried on another top that I just bought. It was more fitted and not as comfortable, but it didn't look like a maternity top, so I went with that.
Then I spent the whole ride to the church regretting my decision! UGGGH. I am just so tired of thinking about such things all the time. What would it feel like to just get dressed and go and never think about what you look like all evening.
My husband informed me that he thinks most women do the same thing. We are a sad bunch. To tell you the truth, I know not a single other person cared what I was wearing or would even remember what I was wearing, but it was such a big deal to me. I know I walked around like I was so happy to see everyone and had no problem being up and out, but I really wanted to hide in a dark corner so everyone wouldn't see all my flaws just out there for everyone! And then when everyone kept telling me how great I looked, I couldn't accept it. I couldn't dare to think I could actually look good. Other women can be overweight and I look at them and say," wow, she looks beautiful". I cannot accept that I can be overweight and be attractive. So I really wish I know why I can't just accept myself where I am while I try my best to improve all about myself that I can.
Ok, well that was all just depressing blah, blah, blah!
So here are some things a little lighter that I wish I knew....

I wish I knew why slim fast always taste better when you eating with something you aren't supposed to have ( like donuts, hamburgers etc). I KNOW there are some out there that feel the same.......lolololol

I wish I knew why people had to put safety labels on things like hair dryers and irons that say things like " don't use while in the bath tub" Who are the people who made it necessary to have these labels. I wish I knew who they were. There are things I would really like to know from them.

2008-09-27T08:11:00.000-07:00

I am sorry I have been a bit neglectful in my blogging this week. It has been one of THOSE weeks.
There is one thing I really want to share though. It is amazing what lessons we can learn from small and simple things.

My baby girl is done. Done with pull ups, done with wet sheets in the middle of the night. She is completely potty trained. I know, some of you may be saying " big deal". But for me it is huge. It is a reminder that my life is beginning to move into a different season. Which is a whole other blog in itself. The point is my baby is no longer a baby. She can dress her self, go potty all by herself, clean up her messes herself ( ok, that was just wishful thinking, but I thought I would try it and see how it felt!) All of my kids are getting older and they just don't need my help as much. As happy as I am for the extra cash from no more pull ups and less work changing her and all the laundry she created, I am sad too. All but the youngest can get themselves something to eat. Actually the little one can too, but only by destroying the whole kitchen. They can get themselves ready for school with a little prompting ( ok, with a little yelling, who am I fooling). They can put their clothes on and comb their own hair. They spend a lot of time telling me they can do it themselves. It hurts me a little.

I am starting wonder if this is what Heavenly Father feels like sometimes when we get to a point where we decide we are doing things on our own pretty good and forget that we need him.

Just as I sit down to write, my 5 year old came to me and asked me to fix something for him. He could have done it all by himself, but he said it comes out better when I help him.

Aren't kids smart? Don't they teach us some of the best lessons of all? Aren't all things easier when we have His help?

Yes, I can figure things out on my own. But when I do, how do I know I have followed my Fathers will unless I ask him?
How do I know I am receiving the best blessings from Him if I don't know what it is that will lead me to those places where the best blessings are waiting for me?
I say best blessings because there are blessing attached to all good that we try to do, sometimes it is merely the blessing of trying something that fails and learning to try again. But when we follow where the Lord leads us, there is so much more he is waiting to give us, to show us, to teach us.
I am hoping this week I will remember that things just come out better when I have his help. I am hoping I will spend more time on my knees this week finding out where the Lord would have me go, what he would have me do, who he needs me to touch. I know He probably doesn't care where I do my grocery shopping, or what color I paint my room, but there are things, daily things he can help me with. He can help me decide what words I need to use to help a child who is struggling. He can help me know who in my ward might need a phone call or a visit. He can teach me how to overcome something I am dealing with. He can and He is waiting for us to come, so he can make things come out better for us.

2008-09-15T10:40:00.000-07:00

It is kinda funny, but the last time I blogged was after a Time Out for Women. They are so inspiring to me.
I went to one this past weekend with some friends and had a great time. It filled me up and made me glad to be an LDS woman. We have so much given to us as to why we are here and how important our roles are in this life.
But sad to say, after all the upliftment...is that a word? Oh well, it is now, I still came home and noticed something new about myself to be unhappy about...I have barnacles. Yes, barnacles. You may wonder what I am talking about, but there maybe a few out there who have reached the age to know just what I am referring to. Skin tags is another name from them. I got them from my mother I am sure. I do not always appreciate the things she shares with me... I have tiny skin tags on my neck and collar bone areas and a few other places. I hate them. I want them gone. But there is no way to have them all removed, I am just not willing, so I guess I don't actually hate them enough.
There's another thing I don't understand. Why must our moles grow hairs out of them after we reach a certain age. I have had the same moles for years. I thought they were kinda cool before, my own little distinguishing beauty marks. But why are they now sprouting hair of their own. I am hoping to not find out it means something terrible, so for now I continue to pluck, shave and pray them away...
So, now even after a weekend of celebrating the joy of being a woman and all the good I can do, I am stuck with these new things to add to my list of things I would like to change about myself. I truly am getting to that point where I see that I do have some good qualities,but I still lack the ability to not pick out every physical flaw and dwell on it. Why do we do this to ourselves. I would love some insight!
Well, least I finish on a negative note, let me add some thoughts about things that make me happy.
The music of Michael McLean. I bawled through his entire performance. He is a wonderful guy.
The friends I have who's houses are as messy as mine. I love those people! You know who you are!
I love cool fall days and all fall colors. They make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside, which are not qualities I normally have.
I love people who make me laugh,( which by the way are also the same people who's houses are messy as mine....I see some kind of pattern there. I will have to think about that).
I love when my baby girl throws her arms around my neck and tells me how much she missed me even when I just went next door to take a dish back.
I love seeing my kids discover something new and cool, like this morning when we found a stick bug hanging on our front door, yes we ended up late for school, but it was so awesome to see the wonder in their faces.
I love when I ask my husband to do something and he says he would do anything for me. I wonder why I get so annoyed when he asks me to do something for him that I don't have scheduled. One of these days, I hope to be as good of a wife as he is a husband. I got lucky with this guy!
Ok, I think that is enough for now. Thanks for joining me in my quest to find out how to be the person I was meant to be. I have faith that I will figure it out, or die laughing at myself while I try!